America’s Next Top Model: Do You Light the Way I Look?

I had every half-hearted intention of recapping the ANTM Vegas opener where they whittled 5 millions girls down to 12, but I just couldn’t do it. I really can’t get involved with this show until they send most of the “models” back to the malls from whence they came.

This episode’s challenge involved the models lighting themselves during the shoot, which not only seems ill-advised but also made for relatively boring photos. The challenge this week was really a moot point, however, because the first half was dedicated to making over the models.

Makeover show! This is the part where the models cry, cry, cry during their makeovers as I laugh, laugh, laugh. Of course, neither the laws of probability and the likelihood of head shaving with this show nor the sight of a wee silver-haired man coming at them with a pair of scissors deterred them from becoming contestants.

Fo was the cryingest of them all as she was given a boy cut, despite the evidence that, as far as ANTM makeovers go, she made out like a bandit. The fact that she alternately wore a) a plaid lumberjack shirt, and b) a striped dew rag made her look a lot more masculine than her adorable new cut.

In the end, Fo and Jessica were in the bottom two: Fo for obvious reasons, and Jessica for unconvincingly scowling in an attempt to be edgy for the photoshoot. Ultimately Jessica got booted so that Fo can live to cry another day.

The Aftermath: Innocuous, Disastrous, or Good-ish?

Allison - Ain’t no salon in the world that can fix Disney cartoon eyes, so they dyed Allison’s hair blonde and added extensions instead. My verdict is innocuous.

Aminat - Aminat had her lovely fro replaced with extensions. Bordering on disastrous.

Celia - Celia got a faux-hauk, which given her pre-existing interesting model/slightly busted look, just sort of added in a cockatoo-like factor. Innocuous.

Fo - Here’s where the crying came in. Fo should have put two and two together because a) she came in with boring medium length hair, and b) everyone knows that one of these hoes is going to get all her hair cut off. Good-ish because it was a great cut and gave her a strong and individual look that she didn’t have before, but also disastrous because she is going to get booted for not appreciating the wishes of her benign yet wrathful god Tyra.

Jessica - Jessica just got a little trim and some lighter chunks added to her hair, which I guess in the general scheme of things was good given that she got eliminated. Innocuous.

Kortnie - Sure, she posed like she was doing the robot in her light photoshoot, but her hair does look prettier with its new auburn shade. Good-ish.

London - London is sort of the flip side of Celia, where she looks fairly unassuming in person but seems like she takes pretty great photos. Her mid-length brown hair was dyed blonde and chopped into an Evangelista-esque ‘do. Strongly good-ish.

Natalie - The naturally pretty Natalie was clearly wise to the ways of this show and was convinced that she was going to end up in Fo-ville, but emerged completely unscathed from the makeover session. Totally innocuous.

Nijah - Nijah was the recipient of a length-increasing weave. Innocuous/good-ish.

Sandra - Sandra’s hair was buzzed off and dyed platinum with nary a peep (ahem, Fo). I like the buzz but I really wish they hadn’t dyed it - I just can’t hang with the Susan Powter look. Innocuous with touches of disaster.

Tahlia - Tahlia’s head of adorably tight curls was swapped for a blah blonde weave. Innocuous/disastrous - she sort of had mom hair before but this look certainly wasn’t hugely transformative.

Teyona - Teyona’s super angular features guaranteed that they were going to do something strong with her look, but unfortunately, that something was more along the lines of Soul Glo. Disastrous.